I feel like I have run out of things to say..
Or at the very least.. I don’t know what to say.
I’m not sure what I’m even chasing anymore.
And I’m not sad about it, or feel any way about it honestly.
Other than maybe a little confused.
I usually run into the looming question : WHAT DO I WANT?
But usually it stems from a place of panic… or sadness.
But not now.
Now it’s just reflective. It’s just a question I don’t have the answer to.
No sort of rushing feeling to sort it out or have all the answers.. just a genuine curiousity.. what do I want?
I think I’ve been getting older and just realizing that most things aren’t as important to me as they used to be.
Which is good.. but leaves you with the realization that..
Ok, if these things that fill so much of your life don’t matter anymore… what does?
What are the things that I’m not doing that I wish to be doing.. and not only wish to be doing but am moved to do. What are the things that I need to do? The things that will matter.
I have all theses dreams, these things I always wanted to do, but which of them actually matter to me?
Recently I’ve been needing a lot of time to myself (which I actually need all the time, but most so recently).. and on occasion that means I’m breaking down and need the space to revitalize and get back out there.
But recently it hasn’t been that way.. It’s not from being broken down, although there has been some breakdowns along the way..
but it’s simply just because I need it.
Again not from panic or stress or sadness.. Simply because I need it.
I’ve been trying to be honest, to myself especially.
I’m trying to set boundaries and listen to what it is I need.
I’m trying to approach things with a genuine heart and clarity.
I can see/feel myself growing and it doesn’t look quite the way I thought it would but it’s so interesting to not only be experiencing it but to actually see it take form in ways.
For the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself… and not because I’m doing all the right things, or have the answers or have all my shit together..but because I’m growing.